In David Schwartz’s book The Magic of Thinking Big, he says “Remember, big people monopolize listening; small people monopolize the talking.”

In our culture, listening, is a lost art. It has been assigned to certain roles and professions-therapists, clergy, to name but a few. It is, however, a skill that serves everyone well both professionally and personally. Salespeople who are good listeners know what people want. Strong leaders listen to the thoughts and feelings of others before formulating policy. Successful parents listen to the dreams and problems of their children and loving partners listen to the concerns and aspirations of their partner.

To be a good listener requires patience, empathy and an understanding heart. It means that we must put aside our egos and judgments, attempting to place ourselves in another’s shoes for the moment. We must come out of self to do this. Nowadays, many say they are listening when in fact their internal self-talk is preparing their response to what is being said.

Steven Covey, in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People, says “They are filtering everything through their own paradigms, reading their autobiography into other people’s lives.” True listening allows another’s feelings and thoughts (through their words) to penetrate us.

Developing the habit of listening does not necessarily come easily, but it is well worth the effort. To be a good listener one must have the desire and willingness to deeply understand another. There are times and places when we may not feel capable of listening. It is best, during those times, to honestly state that we are not able to actively listen and postpone the conversation. This is a sign of respect for both the individual and ourselves.

When we are not listening we are typically caught up in ourselves; how the situation impacts us, who is right and who is wrong, how to win the argument, etc. This train of thought makes the conversation one way. In true communication the communication goes both ways, merging together. Our goal, in this type of communication, is to understand and move beyond the typical reactive response. The point we are making here is that true listening requires understanding the world from the other person’s frame of reference. This allows us to understand how they feel because we’ve stepped into their shoes. This action is devoid of criticism, blame or judgment. The purpose is to expand the possibilities for both in the interaction. New solutions, new understanding and insights can be found. This does not mean that how we feel is discounted or not important. Non-evaluative listening increases self-esteem, trust and the ability to mutually problem-solve. It is, however, potentially risky to listen in this fashion for it puts us in a vulnerable situation. When we truly listen we cannot necessarily maintain our old attitudes and beliefs. We often hear thoughts and feelings that alter our world view and may be uncomfortable for us. This helps us grow and expand in unexpected ways.

Each of us has created the situations and circumstances we find ourselves in. They are all opportunities for growth in self understanding. Through these experiences we understand who we are more fully and learn to listen to our own inner voice. We live in a culture that provides little support for this, but increasing numbers of people are honoring and cherishing their inner self.

The key to hearing your inner voice is to quiet the outside world and all its distractions. The same skills required to listen to another are used to listen to ourselves. Here are some ways to uncover your inner voice. Keep a personal journal, meditate, spend time alone every day without distractions, go on a vision quest or spiritual retreat for your next vacation, discover Yoga for stress reduction and mind quieting, pray and do breath work.
Remember, in order to be understood we must first seek to understand. Listening is the greatest gift and rewarding treasure you can give yourself and others.